Tuesday, January 26, 2010, 1:57 AM
[In two months.]

I went through a period of high-ness and happiness and security and thoughts about marriage and life.

Then once he leaves for 3 weeks, I crash. Again.

It doesn't help that I'm a listening ear to someone who's in a relationship who is strangely in the same cosmic plane as I am:
Both of us got together with our partners in the same month.
Both of us went through the same length of a relationship.
Both of us had one partner go away for 5 weeks to Sydney.

But yet his relationship had turned for the worse when the respective partner's clinginess backfired and she decided she didn't need him anymore. Tonight, after hearing his story, I wonder if I'm watching my own train-wreck that is about to happen. Will he decide that one day? Does it really take one day?

A friend I had coffee with today asked me what if he proposed this year. Or next year. And I was dumbfounded. I thought I wanted it. But I didn't trust myself. And my coffee friend read panic on my face. That upset me. I thought I was meant to yell 'Yes! Of course!' But I didn't. I am cautious. I am non trusting. And then it deteriorated towards the end of the day where I became bitter. And I said some hurtful things to people. And I had some hurtful thoughts about myself. And just like that. The 2 months of optimism and high-ness and happiness and security crumbled in a rubbled heap in my heart.

No doubt, I am PMSing, but could hormones prevail over structured logical thought? Feelings seem too fickle and fleeting and not based on cold hard facts. Who do you talk to about these things without feeling foolish? Today i even woke up at 7 in the morning just to go jogging to get some endorphins going. And when that didn't work I just plunged into the pool and went swimming instead. 2 hours later I was knackered but did not want to sleep. 4 hours later it was dinner time but I was not hungry. What does one do to fight themselves, it is a losing battle.

There is probably one person I can think of who might save me from myself. But he does not get back till after Valentine's day. 3 weeks is long when one is fighting themselves. One day is long enough. I wish I could just close my eyes and get to the end, but that would be cowardly. So mean while I have little choice but to learn to cope and piss some people off in the mean time.

I'm not mad. I'm just voicing out the feelings that people are afraid to share. I cope like everyone else. I just put more thought than I should and pay more attention the the little details than what is good for me.