Tuesday, January 18, 2011, 1:17 AM
[On siblingity.]


I'm mad.




I'm mad that things can't stay the same.


I'm mad that leaving home is the only choice for you.


I'm mad that you can't trust your own father.


I'm mad that you can't be happy for me.


I'm mad that it has to always be your way.


I'm mad there's noone else but me.


I'm mad you grew up this way.


I'm mad that I care too much for you.


I'm mad that i have to cry each time you do.

Thursday, December 16, 2010, 12:44 AM
[Milestone.]


17th December 2010.


2pm.


One veterinary science degree.


DR Carmen Lee.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010, 10:58 PM
[Update. Downdate.]


Reading back on old posts I scare myself. If i were an outsider reading this blog I'd make myself feel uncomfortable. Does that mean I've changed? For one I STOPPED crying everyday. I STOPPED worrying if some particular significant other is staying or leaving or if i've seen him naked with someone else. (He's staying.)

Now that I have the benefit of hindsight I probably had too much time on my hands, and too much space to think, and I wasn't happy with what I was doing with my life. Now that I'm deep into my internship and am intellectually challenged on a daily basis...I don't have time to think/worry/obsess about my insecurities and personal life. The few minutes a day I spend talking to a person on the phone is someone I actually do want to speak to - and the conversation becomes so much more personal. I get up at 7 , I work 12 hours, I go home, I do work related reading/tv watching till 11. Then it's like clockwork day in day out. I don't waste time throwing tantrums on the weekends because they are precious - coffee and cooking is such a wiser way of spending it then wallowing in self pity. Maybe the mundane uni life was making me moody. Who knows.

Bottom line...I'm in a much happier place right now - and now that i've said that i've probably jinxed myself. This year I've found myself in my work and find pride and satisfaction in what i do - through the successes and mistakes. This is something I know I was made for...the adrenaline and the high from cutting into a body cavity and problem solving and the looking for answers is what I have spent the last few years for. I'm sailing a fast ship and am not about to slow down anytime. I am made to work. You may check back in a few years and I'm slumping in this little corner of a blog in my failures as a medical professional but for now I'm on an incline. Things change and fluctuate - I change and fluctuate. I try to define myself but I can't put myself down to one person, one form, one identity. Check back in a few decades. I'll have even more benefit of hindsight then. If you're still around.

Saturday, June 05, 2010, 11:59 AM
[INTROVERTED. Intuitive. Feeling. Perceiving.]


, 11:45 AM
[How do you go back to someone...]


...whom you've seen naked with someone else?

Tuesday, January 26, 2010, 1:57 AM
[In two months.]


I went through a period of high-ness and happiness and security and thoughts about marriage and life.

Then once he leaves for 3 weeks, I crash. Again.

It doesn't help that I'm a listening ear to someone who's in a relationship who is strangely in the same cosmic plane as I am:
Both of us got together with our partners in the same month.
Both of us went through the same length of a relationship.
Both of us had one partner go away for 5 weeks to Sydney.

But yet his relationship had turned for the worse when the respective partner's clinginess backfired and she decided she didn't need him anymore. Tonight, after hearing his story, I wonder if I'm watching my own train-wreck that is about to happen. Will he decide that one day? Does it really take one day?

A friend I had coffee with today asked me what if he proposed this year. Or next year. And I was dumbfounded. I thought I wanted it. But I didn't trust myself. And my coffee friend read panic on my face. That upset me. I thought I was meant to yell 'Yes! Of course!' But I didn't. I am cautious. I am non trusting. And then it deteriorated towards the end of the day where I became bitter. And I said some hurtful things to people. And I had some hurtful thoughts about myself. And just like that. The 2 months of optimism and high-ness and happiness and security crumbled in a rubbled heap in my heart.

No doubt, I am PMSing, but could hormones prevail over structured logical thought? Feelings seem too fickle and fleeting and not based on cold hard facts. Who do you talk to about these things without feeling foolish? Today i even woke up at 7 in the morning just to go jogging to get some endorphins going. And when that didn't work I just plunged into the pool and went swimming instead. 2 hours later I was knackered but did not want to sleep. 4 hours later it was dinner time but I was not hungry. What does one do to fight themselves, it is a losing battle.

There is probably one person I can think of who might save me from myself. But he does not get back till after Valentine's day. 3 weeks is long when one is fighting themselves. One day is long enough. I wish I could just close my eyes and get to the end, but that would be cowardly. So mean while I have little choice but to learn to cope and piss some people off in the mean time.

I'm not mad. I'm just voicing out the feelings that people are afraid to share. I cope like everyone else. I just put more thought than I should and pay more attention the the little details than what is good for me.

Thursday, November 19, 2009, 1:23 AM
[It's officially true...]


You really do feel stoned when you get stoned.


Hmm.

Saturday, November 14, 2009, 1:33 PM
[I am truly fucked up.]


I am undeniably un-gifted in making people and myself happy.

Carms.
5th December 1987
Sydney, Australia
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